Blogging equals Solitude

This is the only thing close to my dreams

It's hard to push yourself to wake up everyday and do something that keeps you farther and farther away from who you really want to be.

It's been more than a year. It feels so heavy. Im upset with myself. I've been planning for my future ever since I entered high school. I knew who and what I wanted to become. I knew how to get there. I knew where to be to get there. I knew what to do to get there. And then one day, they made me realize that the dream I was chasing was impossible to get to because I just didn't have the sources. It was what I missed in planning my dreams... money.

I've always wanted to be an architect. I wanted to see every inch of the world and somehow create something and be part of something I know I can be proud of to call it 'mine'. I wanted to be able to someday say that 'I was part of something big.' 'I did something great.' But being where I am now, I know I could never reach that dream ever again. And I wake up everyday with regrets at the back of my mind. Thinking that I shouldn't be waking up for this. I should be out there and not here. It was that hard to wake up and pretend you're happy at what you're doing.



So now you wonder "how is this blog keeping you close to your dream, Nikki?"
Well, it's funny you asked. I was watching this show on E called "Fashion Bloggers".  They were self taught bloggers who pushed to where they are now. They were waking up in the morning thinking "Oh what would be the first thing I'll do over my list of things I'm so passionate for?" They were loaded of work but their work didn't feel like they were working. They wake up every morning excited for there day of work. There work felt more like a money-making hobby that they do 24/7.

That's when it stroke me that it wouldn't be too late if i chased mine. They did something that they knew they would be happy with and that's is they were good at it. They had the passion for what made them happy. I thought of blogging because if I can't see the world (yet), at least i could share something to the world. Something I MADE. I blog everyday to serve as a solitude, a time for myself. To remind me that even in the darkest place, I have hope. It's also an excuse for me to go home earlier and post a blog. Mehe! Guilty.

I know I'm not myself, for now, but I don't plan to continue this. I believe this blog is one of the codes that will unlock the beginning of a better transformation. I hope this blog takes me to where I wanted to be, even if it's an inch. It helps me forget those heavy feelings Im having. And If I continue it, who knows where it'll take me next? And I think that's how I should always do things, letting my feet take me to anywhere and making the most out of it. I'll get there.

Peace out! <3

-natc